Photo courtesy of Adam Campbell
My world has turned upside down. This is appropriate because, yes it’s happened, we’re moving down under. I feel like I should be happier about it, and I AM happy about it, but my emotions are all a jumble. My feelings surrounding the move are all mixed together with my feelings about losing Rose, and losing my home, my current life.
We’re going to start a new life, and that is exciting! We get to reinvent ourselves in a world where nobody there has expectations of who we are supposed to be. And still, watching my nest walk out the door, twig by twig, in exchange for a handful of dollars, is wrenching me apart. I am seriously coming to terms with my attachment to things. I am appalled by how many things I have! I keep thinking about how much money I spent on all those books and bowls and coffee cups. As I exchange them for pennies or give them away I feel alternately resentful and relieved. With everything that leaves I feel lighter. Yet even as I vow to never collect that much stuff again, I am regretting that book or those latte bowls from Anthropologie.
I had a stack of the latte bowls and a set of dishes from Pottery Barn. I really never actually used the dishes anymore. They were big and bulky, I was tired of the color, and they chipped easy, but I was seriously attached to selling them, to recouping some of my money that I spent. I posted them on Craigslist and we had a yard sale. They didn’t sell. In the end, I gave them to our next door neighbors who never would give us the time of day and who send their dogs over to poop in our yard. It felt good! In some weird, twisted way, I felt like I was getting even with them.
Letting go of all of our stuff is serving two purposes. Part of it is just the reality of seriously downsizing to a tiny apartment, and not wanting or being able to pay to have all this crap shipped across the world. The other part is that these things take up life energy. If we take everything with us that is currently keeping us bogged down, we won’t be able to reinvent ourselves. I see this mostly with all my old art supplies and the junk I’ve collected to do mixed media art. I look at it and feel regret thinking, “oh, I never got around to making this idea I had.” If I haul those undone art projects with me, there’s a good chance I’ll be hauling the regret with me, as those things continue to sit in a box undone. But I’m also hauling an old idea of who I’m supposed to be. If I’m free of all those expectations I have held of myself, I’m free to find out who I am without them. I also feel like this myriad of tools and supplies for my various crafty and art interests keep me from focusing on what is most important to me. It’s busy work to keep me from going after the life I really want. I am ready to charge after that life with full passion.
All of this worry about things isn’t even the scary part of the move. I’m worried and mournful about leaving my friends and family. My children. My granddaughter. The really real truth is they live hundreds and thousands of miles away, so phone, facebook, and Skype is how we currently communicate. We can still do that across an ocean. And we will come back to visit.
I need to get back to work. I’m attacking the kitchen today. My posts in the upcoming weeks are going to be patchy, as we’re frantically trying to sort, pack, clean and get the house sold. I will check in from time to time and share this life-upturning experience.